Public Speaking is Rude

Yesterday, I had to present a research proposal. It had been a hot minute (or several) since I gave a presentation, and even more since I gave one in English. As interested as I was in the topic, as I was happy to pitch the idea, well…

It did not. Go. Well.

Public speaking is a skill which I used to have, but it seems that I have become quite rusty. I couldn’t hide that painfully obvious intonation and speed of anxiety. My heart started pounding faster than Bun’s when she is getting her nails trimmed.  As soon as the presentation had finished, I was ready to melt into the floor and disappear on the spot. Teaching in a classroom, while a kind of public speaking, is a different kind of skill. My abilities and comfort levels definitely have shifted to reflect that difference.

Now, this was an important learning experience. I fully recognize that. PhD applications will be opened/released in a few weeks, and then it will be crunch time to get everything ready. Interviews are a part of the process, but interviews don’t begin until January. So, I expect to have approximately six months to re-develop this ability. Speaking well in front of a committee is a skill which I will need, and I am fortunate that I discovered this weakness now instead of later. (I am painfully aware about the grade which I might receive, but still. You know. Learning experiences.)

I had a conversation about this experience when I was working with my personal trainer. In an effort not to get a doughy, spent-too-many-hours-sitting grad student body, I work with a personal trainer once a week in addition to gymming it daily on my own. I should have some down time in August, so I might up my training sessions for the month, but I digress. We sometimes talk about non-fitness things during the sessions. It helps to keep my mind off the muscular misery, and I appreciate being able to bounce ideas off another person.

My personal trainer also dislikes giving presentations. It might not mean much to others, but I felt relief that I am not the only twenty-something struggling with this point. I feel confident that I will be able to re-learn this skill, but in the meantime I am considering joining Toastmasters or a similar organization.

Why can’t my brain just keep all the knowledge and information forever instead of letting some of it disappear into nothingness? How rude.