How I have missed the caffeine-induced, feverish, reading and the frantically numbing typing of keys. It’s been, what, six weeks since the last bout of sweaty insecurity and nausea-approaching tension?
It’s a good thing, I promise.
Okay, not really. But I’m okay with it. Gotta chase those dreams.
On a similar note, the organizers of the Women’s March came to campus yesterday. One of them told us that we might be going off to sleep right after the talk. Cue the entire student body quietly snorting and laughing, “Sleep? Us? Do you know where you are?”
Updates will follow after I make it through the next week or so.
The 2021 Blue Jays have joined the Nest, their banner is in the library, and Homewood Campus is running at full capacity again. There are symposia and colloquia on fascinating topics pretty much every day, autumn sports are off with a bang (we defeated Goucher 0-2 last night, #packthenest), The Beach is littered with undergrads, and free food is everywhere. I have registered for a number of speakers and related events, and it feels good to be back for this semester.
However, I did make sure to enjoy my brief vacation. I visited Charm City Cakes and bought a lemon layer cake in a jar. I visited the Baltimore Museum of Art and contemplated purchasing the prettiest coaster for $18. (I did not buy it.) I read and read and read some more in my favorite chair in The Hut. I got in good workouts before taking off from training for two sessions to enjoy some time with an old friend. (I might pay for this next week.) I deep cleaned the apartment, purchased a few new clothes for fall, trimmed Bun’s claws, and ordered textbooks. I went to the Hopkins-Goucher soccer game and am looking forward to football and soccer games for the rest of the season. I ate lots of vegan cake, drank too much coffee, and slept just the right amount. All in all it was a vacation well spent.
Classes began last week, and I am pleased so far with my courses. My schedule is a little rougher this semester because of the extracurricular activities which are beginning, but it is the very best kind of frantic frenzy of busy and I have no complaints. I will report more about the classes later, but for now I am optimistic.
I did it! I successfully completed my final paper of Sumer 2017 on Sunday evening at 19:37. I’m waiting for all my grades to be submitted, but things are looking good for a 4.0! Since my summer vacation is short (we begin Autumn 2017 on the 30th, undergrads return to campus on the 26th), I am hoping to make the most of this brief vacation.
I spent my first day of summer vacation wonderfully. I got in a great workout with my trainer and an hour long bike ride, went to the grocery store where I found beautiful, giant mangos for $1 each, tried (and failed) to see the eclipse, and lost myself in books for several hours. I keep a running list of everything I hope to read, and it grows every time I go to the library. Considering I am in the library multiple days per week, it will take a miracle for me to complete the list. I did fail as far as laundry is concerned, but I did clean out a closet. I think that I will spend most of the rest of the week curled up in one of the Hut’s oversized, leather armchairs and read until my eyes get tired. I should do a thorough deep clean (and deep de-fuzzing) of the apartment, but a little bit per day should make that an easy task.
Best end of summer to everyone! I registered for a number of guest lectures and other activities, so I look forward to updating about those from September.
Does anyone else type a string of profanities into a Word Doc just because there is no other way to release the pressure when on a designated silent floor of the library?
Oh. Me, neither.
I currently am in the library working on a paper, and I am reminded of how much I have missed access to university libraries’ troves of knowledge. (Unlimited JSTOR access also doesn’t hurt. I burned through my (non-student) limited allowance of reads very quickly each month while I was out of school.) Although I do feel like a troll emerging from a cave each time I leave D-Level and venture back into the human world, it is that weird kind of caffeine-induced feverish academia which gives me a rush. A leisurely stroll through the stacks results in a rather lengthy reading list growing in my arms. A panicked hunt for a much-needed volume for a paper (when I look like an idiot while waving my arms at the lights’ sensors to prevent the stacks’ lights from dimming) reminds me of the privilege and pleasure it is to be able to study. A click of my touchpad and I can order a volume from any of several other universities’ libraries along the East Coast. One is on its way to me from Harvard as I type this, and another is coming to me from Yale. If I am in the mood for less frantic studying and reading, I can cozy up in the Atrium or the Hut and spend many hours growing my brain and refining, or even challenging, my world views. Truly, libraries all are magical, but a university library is a special kind of happiness.
The paper I am creating now is my very last for the summer semester. I can’t believe that I already am nearing completion of my first semester of graduate school. I have survived mountains of readings, carpal-tunnel inducing papers, and feelings of inadequacy and imposter syndrome for three months. I’ve learned so much in such a short time from both professors and students. I’ve fallen in love with Charm City and couldn’t be happier to be a Blue Jay. I don’t know if I will be staying at Hopkins for the doctorate, but this feeling of reassurance that I belong in school and am making the most of this opportunity will stick with me always.
My thoughts now turn to the upcoming doctoral admissions cycle. I’m terrified, to be quite blunt. What if I don’t receive an offer from one of my top choices? What if I don’t receive any offers? There are many great schools in this country, but I will be applying only to a handful of them. Not just my background but my ability to be a good fit will be on the line, and the reasons I could receive a rejection are significantly higher than they were for the master admissions cycle. Some of the programs where I will be applying accept fewer than five applicants out of at least a few hundred hopefuls. I am fortunate to have a great advisor and to attend a school with lots of resources for this adventure, but I still could not be more anxious or frightened.
I don’t know how much I will be blogging about the admissions cycle. There are a finite number of ways to express the emotions I mentioned previously, and I don’t want this blog to become a cesspool of stress and anxiety. I want to remember all the wonderful things about my time at Hopkins, however long it may be. I want to remember my favorite study haunts and the regulars I see there. I want to remember the regulars I see at the rec who have given me tips when I was training alone. I want to remember the magic of walking onto campus for the very first time. Even if a doctoral program elsewhere is where I go, I want to remember that I always will be a Blue Jay. #gohop.
I never forget what a privilege and what an honor it is to study at such a school. I forever am grateful of all the opportunities the Johns Hopkins University has granted to me. Professionally, academically, intellectually, emotionally, and mentally this school has given me more than I ever could hope to return to the future. I promise that I will not waste this opportunity. I may have earned my way into this community, but I will make sure to pay it forward.
Forever, our Johns Hopkins. #gohop
I more or less believe that MBTI is for people who are “too scientific for astrology” but want some sort of guideline or mold in which to believe. I find psychology fascinating, but it is not my chosen field for a reason. However, for the record, I tested three times as INTJ. Fairly heavily on all four categories. (Although I think all three results are nonsense since it isn’t too difficult to manipulate the test.) I’m fairly skilled at feeling all the things without actually feeling the emotions from all the things. Maybe that doesn’t make sense, but it is the best way to describe myself. I very much have a detached, outsider-looking-in-the-box sort of perspective with most things. Unfortunately, I have been called callous on more than one occasion due to this personality trait. I also have been called sensitive, so take that as you will.
I believe in empathy. I believe in compassion. I believe in responsibility. I believe in science. If I held any religious tenants, they would be those. Reading the news lately, and particularly yesterday, has started to make me lose hope. I’ve mentioned this before, but I describe myself as an eternally optimistic misanthrope. I believe in human beings’ capacities for sincere kindness, but I hold that we are failing miserably in doing so. As I slowly lose that little glimmer of hope which keeps me motivated, I can’t help but wonder if I we even are worth saving. It’s when I think of my students, of the next generation which hasn’t been responsible in creating this world which does not deserve them, that I find my strength to push forward.
I am of the opinion that those of us in the social sciences have a greater obligation than most humans not to harm and to view our careers as service. Yet, if the world is going to go up in flames, if we can’t share our ideas or make them accessible, what even are we accomplishing? These events make me more certain than ever before that we must remember to bring our services to people outside the academic community. We can’t hoard our researches and evaluations in journals in order to fuel our egos and our neoliberal exchanges of knowledge as a marketable good while disregarding the reasons why we entered the social sciences.
We have a responsibility. We have a duty. Do no harm. Serve.
I am in this field for a reason. I am in graduate school for a reason. It is time to set aside my feelings once more, to re-direct them into energy for study and research, and use my voice to make the voices of the marginalized no longer be excluded.
Baltimore is mostly delightful in the summer, but there have been a few days when I’ve felt like the humidity has done nothing but repeatedly punch me in the face. Nothing quite like showing up to class glistening with sweat, but at least the AC on campus is more or less unreasonable chilling and I cool down pretty quickly. I’ve spent the last few library study sessions shivering slightly, but the cold helps fight off the comfy chair sleepies. (Seriously, some of the chairs are too comfortable for studying.)
Campus has been crowded with tour groups of seventeen-year-old, wide-eyed hopefuls and their parents, and I don’t expect this to change anytime soon. I don’t mind too much, but it would be nice if they learned not to spread across the entire walkway. It feels like ages since I was doing the campus tour circuit, and it’s nice that I don’t have to go through that again. That being said, the admission season for PhD programs is getting ready to begin, and I already have some virtual informational sessions scheduled. I’m fairly certain that my stress will do nothing but rise until March, but intensive exercise has been helping to keep it at bay for now.
School continues to be going well, and I am enjoying all of the work. Which is good, because there is a lot of it. I’ve missed this kind of mental challenge, but I also miss my students every day. I was cleaning out my bookshelf and found all of the letters and pictures they had made for me. Definitely was A Moment.
The only bad news is that Titan and Bun will not be friends. Bun is back home with me for now, and we will try her with another Bun in a few weeks. For now, it is time for her to get some rest and enjoy being queen while we watch Game of Thrones. She enjoys sleeping on the ottoman, jumping on my face to be my alarm clock, and chewing on any bits of paper she can find.
I am a bunny parent. Bun may be under five pounds, but she is full of more sass and snark than people expect. I find her perpetual grumpiness endearing, and she has been my companion for about a year and a half. She came with me to the U.S. from Korea, and then she crossed the country with me. She is an important fixture in my life, and it is imperative that she be able to accompany my everywhere. I discovered during the moving preparations that there is surprisingly little information about moving a lagomorph friend. I hope that this post can be helpful to others with bunny family members, because the limited amount of available information did nothing to reduce my pre-move anxiety levels. I will post another one about moving a bun internationally.
The requirements vary by state, so I suggest starting off preparations by calling the Department of Agriculture in both the current home state and future home state. This is important because rabbits typically are classified as livestock instead of pets. My home state did not have any export requirements, but Maryland requires all incoming rabbits to have a medical examination within ten days of travel and APHIS Form 7001. Most veterinary clinics do not prepare this form for buns, so be sure to call ahead and find one which does. It’s possible that your regular clinic does not.
Right now, United is the only airline which allows rabbits in the cabin and has a sufficient coverage map. I will not send Bun with checked baggage, but that can be an option with Westjet and Frontier (this could have changed). Most airlines, unfortunately, have a no-bun policy. I’m hoping this will change, but in the meantime United is my only option. I had to book my ticket with an agent over the phone, which meant that I couldn’t benefit from any Orbitz or Kayak pricing.
On flight day, make sure to have an empty water bottle (or dish to place in the cage later, if your bun does not like water bottles), some foods, and something soft and comforting to place in the carrier. Bun will not use a water bottle, so I made sure to pack some cucumber, carrots, and other foods with high water content compared to kibble. I also like to pack some lettuce leaves and mist them with water before giving them to her. She doesn’t like to eat while flying, but I feel better knowing that she has the option. I also put a puppy pee pad in her carrier just in case she needed to go.
It took Bun a few days to get comfortable in the new place, but she settled in and started chinning everything in sight. She is with a foster at the moment because I am trying to bond her to a companion bun, but all-in-all it was a positive experience.
Yesterday, I had to present a research proposal. It had been a hot minute (or several) since I gave a presentation, and even more since I gave one in English. As interested as I was in the topic, as I was happy to pitch the idea, well…
It did not. Go. Well.
Public speaking is a skill which I used to have, but it seems that I have become quite rusty. I couldn’t hide that painfully obvious intonation and speed of anxiety. My heart started pounding faster than Bun’s when she is getting her nails trimmed. As soon as the presentation had finished, I was ready to melt into the floor and disappear on the spot. Teaching in a classroom, while a kind of public speaking, is a different kind of skill. My abilities and comfort levels definitely have shifted to reflect that difference.
Now, this was an important learning experience. I fully recognize that. PhD applications will be opened/released in a few weeks, and then it will be crunch time to get everything ready. Interviews are a part of the process, but interviews don’t begin until January. So, I expect to have approximately six months to re-develop this ability. Speaking well in front of a committee is a skill which I will need, and I am fortunate that I discovered this weakness now instead of later. (I am painfully aware about the grade which I might receive, but still. You know. Learning experiences.)
I had a conversation about this experience when I was working with my personal trainer. In an effort not to get a doughy, spent-too-many-hours-sitting grad student body, I work with a personal trainer once a week in addition to gymming it daily on my own. I should have some down time in August, so I might up my training sessions for the month, but I digress. We sometimes talk about non-fitness things during the sessions. It helps to keep my mind off the muscular misery, and I appreciate being able to bounce ideas off another person.
My personal trainer also dislikes giving presentations. It might not mean much to others, but I felt relief that I am not the only twenty-something struggling with this point. I feel confident that I will be able to re-learn this skill, but in the meantime I am considering joining Toastmasters or a similar organization.
Why can’t my brain just keep all the knowledge and information forever instead of letting some of it disappear into nothingness? How rude.